Oceans are not for swimming…

I often remind my wife that 90% of all shark attacks happen in 6 feet of water or less. Naturally, she tries to explain to me the logic behind this shocking statistic, namely that most humans, when inhabiting the ocean, are in the 6 feet of water or less. Naturally, her “logical” response is mere rhetoric intended to lure me into the salted pool of death that many associate with “fun,” “relaxation,” and “vacation.”

I am pro-life. If I want to be consistent then I will be pro-my-life and pro-her-life as well (furthermore, no man ever yet hateth his own flesh). So, when given the opportunity to swim in the ocean, I naturally and with great intelligence choose life. Therefore, since I choose life, I will not be lured into a situation where my limbs and organs are dangled as fish-bait in front of a slew of almost-half-ton, stealthy, razor-blade-teeth-equipped monsters of the sea. I’ll bring my towel and a good book, thank you very much, and curl up on the warm, sandy beach, perhaps allowing the waves to roll up and hit my feet (although there’s a hint of danger there as well), while I sip one of those lemonades with the little umbrella in it.

Here’s my top five reasons to avoid swimming in the ocean:

5. It takes two or three showers to finally get clean from all that sand and salt.

4. These live in the ocean. And they happen to think that we taste good. We are their Oreo’s. Get the picture?

3. Have you ever seen Jaws? Neither have I. But that movie looks pretty scary.

2. This happened this week. My dog playfully nibbles on me from time to time, even licking my face. I live to see another day. When sharks playfully nibble, you go to the hospital. When they lick your face, you die.

1. I’m sure this picture is 100% authentic, and not a product of any photo editing. This should convince you, like it did me, to stay out of the ocean.

  1. #1 by jerseyshoretog on February 4, 2010 - 10:34 am

    That’s ridiculous. The chances of being attacked by a shark are twice as great as by being struck by lightning. Don’t fear the unknown as you’ll be missing out on some of life’s great wonders.

    SERIOUSLY you never saw JAWS? WOW!

  2. #2 by Jodi on February 4, 2010 - 12:09 pm

    LOL…Dave, you crack me up. Though I must agree with you to a point. In the four years that I lived in Guam I was never thoroughly convinced that swimming in the ocean was a “fun” activity. Even snorkeling inside the reef, where the sharks are said to be more scarce, always made me feel a little uneasy!
    The beach and a book sounds pleasant…especially in February!

  3. #3 by Noah on February 6, 2010 - 9:01 am

    As Jerseys pointed out, that last pic is straight from Jaws. That movie is actually the one reason why I was afraid to go in the water- pools, oceans, didn’t matter, Jaws could still be there in my 6 year old mind.

    Eventually I got over this fear, with a bit of help from logic, but that’s not to say that I’m stupid about what I do, either. Shark infested waters (like the ones in that chopper video on the link you posted) are not a smart idea for ideal swimming. Watch for the jelly fish, too. But, overall, many places along the Eastern Sea Board are safe to swim. Personally, though, I prefer the West Coast swimming. Though it’s got rockier shores than the East Coast, and maybe some smaller life you need to worry about when amongst the rocks (don’t touch the sea anemones), overall I think it’s a lot safer. Not to say that shark attacks don’t happen, but you rarely hear about them on Malibu Beach (compared to South Florida’s beaches). So, go West, young man- and enjoy the beaches (and water) there! 😉

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