I often remind my wife that 90% of all shark attacks happen in 6 feet of water or less. Naturally, she tries to explain to me the logic behind this shocking statistic, namely that most humans, when inhabiting the ocean, are in the 6 feet of water or less. Naturally, her “logical” response is mere rhetoric intended to lure me into the salted pool of death that many associate with “fun,” “relaxation,” and “vacation.”
I am pro-life. If I want to be consistent then I will be pro-my-life and pro-her-life as well (furthermore, no man ever yet hateth his own flesh). So, when given the opportunity to swim in the ocean, I naturally and with great intelligence choose life. Therefore, since I choose life, I will not be lured into a situation where my limbs and organs are dangled as fish-bait in front of a slew of almost-half-ton, stealthy, razor-blade-teeth-equipped monsters of the sea. I’ll bring my towel and a good book, thank you very much, and curl up on the warm, sandy beach, perhaps allowing the waves to roll up and hit my feet (although there’s a hint of danger there as well), while I sip one of those lemonades with the little umbrella in it.
Here’s my top five reasons to avoid swimming in the ocean:
5. It takes two or three showers to finally get clean from all that sand and salt.
4. These live in the ocean. And they happen to think that we taste good. We are their Oreo’s. Get the picture?
3. Have you ever seen Jaws? Neither have I. But that movie looks pretty scary.
2. This happened this week. My dog playfully nibbles on me from time to time, even licking my face. I live to see another day. When sharks playfully nibble, you go to the hospital. When they lick your face, you die.
1. I’m sure this picture is 100% authentic, and not a product of any photo editing. This should convince you, like it did me, to stay out of the ocean.